Needing to overachieve when you’re disabled

I’ve always wanted to work hard and achieve. But what if this is partly because I’m disabled?

I recently spoke to Peta for The I Can’t Stand Podcast. We spoke about overachieving and how we put pressure on ourselves as disabled people to overachieve. Almost as a way to prove ourselves. Ever since that chat, I’ve thought about this a lot.

Academic success

When you’re disabled, you do get treated differently. As a disabled child it was assumed I wouldn’t achieve as highly as my peers. I believe this was partly because I genuinely was behind academically to begin with. Yet I can’t help wonder about the assumptions that were placed on me.

I worked so hard to revise for my Year 6 SATs, but that hard work paid off. I proved to myself that I needed to work harder, but I could do it. That was a theme throughout education, putting in those extra hours behind the scenes in order to keep up. Yet it seemed the only way to prove to myself that I was good enough, that my disability would not stop me.

Read more: Overcoming my disability is something I’ve never done

While in principle it did work, I suppose it did become detrimental. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve academically. My parents would always tell me not to, all I needed to do was try my best. But I needed the pressure. As a disabled person, you want to be good at something and if you can’t do that in terms of physical attributes, intelligence might be your only outlet, especially when you’re in education.

Not only did I want to achieve well, I felt I needed to achieve more to prove people wrong. I don’t know which people I was proving wrong, because people rarely made me feel like that. But I did. If the odds are stacked against you, you need to counteract that with the best grades. It seems so silly when I write it down, but I think a lot of disabled people can kind of relate to needing to do that.

Starting a blog

Yet it’s not just in education. I started a blog, but I had to make it the best blog I could. Then it became an award winning blog. Then I started public speaking, speaking at conferences and on live radio and TV. These are accomplishments that I’m extremely proud of and something I’ve worked extremely hard at.

Yet I can’t help but think, would this have happened if I was non-disabled? Yes my blog is about my lived experiences of being disabled. But I believe I pushed myself to make it what it is because of this internal need to prove myself. I don’t do things by halves. Yet I know so many disabled people who are the same. Like I said, I really don’t want to downplay these achievements. But who are we proving ourselves to?

It’s often not our friends or family. It’s the minority of people who see disability as less than. Or it’s the employer who might have an unconscious bias if they see a disabled applicant. But it’s deeper than that. It’s a lifetime of internalised ableism that tells you you’re not good enough because you’re disabled. It’s the younger version of yourself who thought you wouldn’t amount to anything, or the playground bullies who’d make you feel worthless and self-conscious.

I know it’s a lie, but the minority make me believe that I’m not equal, unless I overachieve.

Time to change?

To constantly show society that you’re worthy is exhausting. Proving your worth as a disabled person means your achievements can become intertwined with being seen as equal and your self-worth. I’m guilty of this, but it’s not healthy.

Despite it coming from negative experiences, I feel the need to thank my disability. It’s made me more determined, hardworking and resilient. It’s still a core part of who I am as a person. I won’t apologise for working hard. But I will apologise to myself for the impact its had on my mental health over the years. Being your own worst critic can be tough. Nothing is ever good enough.

After 11 and a half years of writing, GCSE’s, A-Levels, university and 5 years in employment, I’m done proving myself. Yet I appreciate the privilege in that statement. I still want to work hard, but to do so because I want to, not because I feel the need to prove something. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s about acceptance. When I didn’t accept my disability, I was fighting against it.

Yet it’s not something I can turn off overnight. I have to actively question my thought process when it comes to achievements. Why do I want to do it? Who am I doing it for?

But don’t worry, this blog is not going anywhere! Disabled people don’t need to prove their worth, but it’s okay to struggle with internalised ableism. You’re not alone, but you are worthy just the way you are.

~ Chloe x