Being in a relationship and having Cerebral Palsy

I started this blog when I was 15-years-old, but dating and relationships were not a topic I ever envisaged talking about. Call me clique, but in terms of dating I thought people would take one look at me, see my disability, then leave. Despite this, the fact I never had a boyfriend did occasionally play on my mind, but in all honesty I’ve never been one who searches for love. Yet could this be down to the fear of rejection based on my disability? For the brief time that I was on Tinder (other dating apps are available) I felt very judged by its focus on physical appearances. The casual nature just wasn’t for me and at what point do you ‘reveal’ your disability?

I had been on one date but we mutually agreed not to see each other again. We’d met at a student event so I didn’t have to explain myself and felt better knowing they were prepared! However, I have now been in a very happy relationship for about 18 months. This isn’t something I have spoken about on my blog before, but if you follow me on social media this is probably old news.

“We’re just friends!”

During my second year at university I met my boyfriend. I was actually running for Disabilities’ Officer for the Student’s Union and he had kindly offered to help me spread flyers and posters.

After talking more and getting to know each other, we quickly became good friends. As crazy as this sounds, we probably have Silent Witness to thank for our relationship. With a common interest in crime dramas and the fact I didn’t have a TV in my flat meant I started going to his flat for the episodes. We were just two friends watching TV and discussing theories about what might happen. As the weeks went on, our chats after Silent Witness grew in length, we also started talking about our own interests and experiences.

I know what you’re thinking. Surely we fell in love there and then, with the rest being history? Unfortunately, it wasn’t as simple as that. We really were just close friends. We’d go on nights out, to the cinema, help each other with university work and watch TV on an evening.

Safe to say, we did start ‘going out’ not too long afterwards. There were no awkward first dates, I didn’t have to worry about my disability driving him away and we already knew each other really well.

Your boyfriend is also disabled, right?

One major stereotype that I’ve never really understood is that disabled people should be in a relationship with someone who’s also disabled. Whether this is due to the fact that disabled people are wrongly seen as ‘undateables’, or because we must only associate with our ‘own kind’.

“Is your boyfriend disabled too?”

Actually, he is. But that’s not the point! Disabled people are capable of dating non-disabled people. However, I never thought I‘d find someone willing to be in a relationship with me. Disability is nearly always seen as a negative and obviously your disability isn’t going to leave you to have a lovely first date. Despite this, having a disabled boyfriend has meant we have a level of understanding which is almost impossible to achieve.

On paper, we have the same diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. In reality there are significant differences in our abilities. However, the core elements are the same and I believe this has been a positive for our relationship.

How do you both manage?

As you can imagine, being in a relationship where you’re both disabled does have its difficulties. Yet it means we just support each other through our individual limitations.

As a result, I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to feel like he‘s my PA (personal assistant) or that he must look after me. I suppose this is due to me seeing PA’s as a paid role which someone does as a job. My boyfriend shouldn’t feel at work every time we see each other. Surely in a relationship you support each other? Some of that support might just happen to be due to my (or his) disability. On the other hand, I by no means want to undermine that support as it’s truly appreciated every single time.

Wobbling through life together might not be the most conventional relationship, but it suits me perfectly. Having Cerebral Palsy can make dating trickier, but I would tell my 15-year-old self this — you will find a someone who loves you for you.

~ Chloe x