My shifted perception of disability

I’ve been writing this blog for almost 9 years. During this time I’ve learnt a lot, and I hope I’ve been able to teach others a few things along the way. Yet it’s evident that my outlook on disability has shifted over the years. The 15 year old who started this blog was shy and hadn’t given much thought about what it meant to be disabled.

Like everyone else, my teenage years and early 20’s have been pivotal in shaping my outlook, views and self-perception. But how has my view of disability evolved since starting my blog?

What being disabled meant

I set up my blog 25th March 2013. At the time, it was called ’Life as a Cerebral Palsy (CP) student’ and focused on my experiences of mainstream education as someone with mild cerebral palsy. I didn’t know anyone my own age with cerebral palsy and my knowledge of the disability was pretty limited.

However, when I was younger my view of disability mainly held negative connotations — matching how it’s often portrayed by society. Having being diagnosed with cerebral palsy at the age of 7, there must have been a shift. Yet I don’t ever remember not being disabled. This is probably because to me, nothing ever changed!

Not long after being diagnosed I started wearing AFO splints. In a way, this felt like the first thing that made me disabled. I’d always had CP, albeit it being undiagnosed, but this visibly highlighted my disability to myself and others. I started having physiotherapy appointments and adaptions were made at school. It became ’A Thing’.

Read more: “Trainers never matched my aesthetic”: The emotional impact of wearing AFO splints

At home, being disabled was always neutral. It was simply a fact. Yet within society I’d never seen it as a good thing. I was bullied at school, often for wearing splints or the way I walked, the difference being that I was disabled. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Often my CP caused frustration when I couldn’t keep up. At school, being disabled just meant never being good enough and having to try a lot harder to be at the same level as my peers.

Challenging society’s narrative of disability

I set up my blog with the intention of challenging the stereotypes of disabled people — to an extent I still do this today. However, I started writing to show the capability of disability. I wanted to show that cerebral palsy wasn’t going to stop me from doing anything. I look back and admire the fire and determination that I had at that moment in time.

Yet on reflection, is this really why I started my blog? It might look like that from the blog posts I wrote in the early days. After thinking about this more, I now believe I was fighting against my own internalised ableism. My views aligned with negativity. I set up my blog to push away the negativity that I often felt and prove them wrong. At the time I only share positive content, this made it easier to deal with. I didn’t want to identify with my perception of disability.

When in reality, my disability was becoming more apparent and was impossible to ignore. My peers were gaining independence, like most 15-year-olds do, and I was starting to use a wheelchair. It felt like I was stuck. For the first time, it felt like I was on a different path to those around me. Despite my best efforts to not be disabled, my path continued to drift away.

Disability was becoming part of my identity

Due to the mild nature of my cerebral palsy, I often disregarded being disabled. Yes I knew I had cerebral palsy, but I didn’t truly identify with being disabled. It was not part of me. Having cerebral palsy was almost a separate part of me, the uninvited guest if you will! I believe that writing has definitely played a part in coming to terms with what was happening. This is especially the case when I began to lose my eyesight at university.

Read more: A disability advocate who wishes to hide her disability

One of the biggest postives of blogging has been finding the online disability community. Social media can, understanbly, get a lot of negative press. However, I think my life would have been completely different without it. Finding a community of likeminded people who ’got it’ in a way that only disabled people can, has been life-changing for me. I found my tribe, I found my voice, and I found comfort in my own skin.

Slowly but surely, being disabled felt more normal. It felt less like a barrier and a burden. The barriers are in fact down to an inaccessible world. It wasn’t my fault. The social model of disability takes this approach and is something that really helped me see disability differently.

Not only that, the shy 15-year-old who wanted to hide her disability had become a 20-year-old who was known for being disabled! I still find this so bizarre to think about. By this point, I’m a semi-established blogger and freelancer. I work within the disability charity sector and am known for talking about my disability online. Essentially, I write about being disabled for a living. Yet I no longer make it sound like sunshine and rainbows. Trust me, when it rains, it pours!

Acceptance

As I enter my mid-20’s it seems like a good chance to reflect. In a way, I feel like I’ve had to accept being disabled twice. Firstly when I became comfortable with having cerebral palsy, and secondly when I became visually impaired and started the self-acceptance journey again.

Today I turn 24-years-old, and for once, I’m proud of myself. I know who I am and I’m comfortable with that. I’ve by far exceeded my expectations of starting this blog. My aim was to show others that people with cerebral palsy can achieve anything. I’d like to change that aim. I cannot do everything. There are some things my disability stops me from doing, and that’s okay! I can succeed and have aspirations — the right support just needs to be in place. Just do things in your own way, it’s taken me a while to learn that.

Read more: Overcoming my disability is something I’ve never done

You might be thinking, “if you could be non-disabled, would you?”

No, I wouldn’t. I know it’s been a bumpy ride to get to where I am today, yet disability is an integral part of who I am. That’s merely fact, rather than a positive or negative quality. There is nothing wrong with being disabled. It doesn’t make you less than anyone else. I just happen to live in a world that’s not designed for me. By being more comfortable in who I am has enabled me to write more honestly.

Disability is intrinsically part of who I am. But that no longer scares me.

~Chloe x