The day I nearly stopped using my long cane

Having a disability can come with a whole host of new emotions and using a mobility aid is no different. Much like the unpredictable nature of having a disability, having a mobility aid also can be a rocky ride. I’ve always seen it as a bit of a love-hate relationship, but what if you want to shove it in a draw and forget it ever existed?

Sure, a mobility aid can be empowering and give you independence, it can be the thing that means your life can carry on as ‘normal’. For the most part I’d agree, but let me tell you a story.

I’m currently getting odd looks at the train station for using my phone and cane… so thought I’d share this again!

I’m going to meet @ellajshipley and she’s probably using her phone and cane as well!

Nothing out of the ordinary here ?#CaneAdventures https://t.co/AOwYq0Pr5p

— Chloe Tear (@chloeltear) April 6, 2019

It’s a pretty normal Saturday, the plan is to meet up with a friend for brunch, do a bit of work on my dissertation and then meet friends for a few drinks – who am I kidding, it was a busy Saturday! Yet it was a day I’d really been looking forward to. Despite best intentions, it must have been a ‘let’s just make all the sight related comments in one day’ kind of day. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but it was just one little comment or remark after another. I think if any one of those events would have been in isolation I would have brushed it off and not given it a second thought. Unfortunately, as a disabled young person I have probably become a little too accustomed to odd looks and unfortunately I’m aware I am not the only one. On this day I re-shared my BBC video about the stigma of blind people being able to use mobile phones. I know the person who had stared at me on the train platform probably wouldn’t have seen it as a result of me posting this tweet, but it gave me a sense of solidarity which was needed in that moment.

During the course of that day I was reduced to ‘a blind person’ on multiple occasion due to the visible nature of my cane. Yet the likelihood of receiving those comments if I was using my walking stick are pretty slim, but for me nothing would have changed. If I would have used my walking stick my vision would still be the same, it would just be a hidden factor of my identity. However, at the end of that day that’s exactly what I wanted. For a moment the benefits of a cane just didn’t seem worth it. Wouldn’t be easier to just manage than be faced with the judgement of the general public and old acquaintances? If you’ve done it before then you can do it again! The inner pep talk wasn’t exactly helping at this moment in time.

Yet that’s the trap you can fall into, the whole ‘well you managed before’ notion. That somehow you’d be able to justify the whole action. Well I’m sorry to say things aren’t what they were when we started using a cane nearly two years ago (how has it been that long!) and I’m reminded of this every time I choose to use my walking stick rather than my long cane. Nowadays my stick is reserved for higher pain levels or longer distances, but this aid is also a reminder of how useful my long cane is. It highlights things that have become second nature and ‘you don’t know what you got ’till it’s gone‘ seems to spring into mind. It’s okay to be conflicted about using mobility aids, and on this particular day I wished I didn’t need them.

To be seen only for your disability is never comforting. The amount of times I’ve heard my friends say they’ve been referred to as ‘the wheelchair’ is ridiculous, it’s dehumanising. The same can be said for when you see an old acquaintance and their first comment follows blind stereotypes. They saw me for nothing more than the cane on my knee that I tightly held onto. Can I no longer discuss university, holidays or the weather? I found myself wishing I’d picked up my walking stick as this was something they had become accustomed to. I also remembered the slight hesitation earlier that evening as I questioned if cane related comments would occur, I’d been proven right and I felt like that was my fault for using a cane in the first place.

Why should I apologise for using something that makes my life easier?

The fact the cane nearly made it to the draw at the end of the day says a lot – you know the one I mean, the draw where all the things that don’t actually fit anywhere else go. It would have looked good nestled next to a paper clip, an old mystery charger and 7 half used batteries. However, it made a lucky escape. I nearly let the opinion of others dictate my independence and safety. On that particular day they won. That evening it was folded up with a sense of haste that I wasn’t used to. Was I upset? Was I angry? I honestly don’t know, maybe a mixture of the two. How had it even reached a point of needing a cane in the first place?

The day after seemed to be a now or never situation. As I stood before my cane and stick I had the same choice I am faced with every day. Which one do I pick? If I didn’t use my cane I know the days that followed would have been the basis for a new cycle I wanted to create. A cane-free life. As I reached out and grabbed my cane I was still unsettled from the day before, angry that it had become harder to confidently pick it up without thinking and slight proud I wasn’t giving in. It probably appeared like I grabbed my cane and walked out of the door, yet that moment seemed to last forever. It was an inner battle between what I wanted to do (throw my cane in the draw and never look at it again) and what I know I should do (carry on my life and use things that make it easier regardless of minority options) but luckily I believe I made the right decision.

The day I nearly stopped using my long cane. It was close but the battle was won and I continue to break the good old stereotype of blind people using their phone.

I’ll be the first to say you must live your life for you and do what is best for your health. I’m a firm believer in being proud of who you are, that having a disability or using a mobility aid is not a sign of weakness. The positivity around these topics are needed because of how judgemental the general public can be and because of how daunting it can be to take the step and use an aid in the first place. Yet it’s equally as important to show the impact small actions can have, to show it’s not a linear journey of acceptance that has to occur overnight.

One day at a time is all it takes.

~Chloe x